May 5, 2016

A letter to myself

Dear future me,
     Since the middle of January you have been living out of a hotel/Rv/your in-laws home and now its the beginning of May. You are going semi crazy at times. There are melt downs pretty much everybody and more than you would like to count. But you have hope every morning you wake up that there will be progress on the new house and you will be that much closer to moving out and into a new home for you and your family. But stop. Wait. I want to explain somethings that you might forget. You might only remember the craziness that is your life right now and forget the things that make to adventure so much more special than it really seems to be.

1. Sleeping in close quarters.

There will be a time when your kids no longer crawl up into your bed at night and snuggle next to you. When Parker won't want to place his hand on your face ever so gently just to let you know he loves you. A time when Grace no longer wakes up an wants to climb under your covers and sleep for an extra 10 min. next to you. There will be a time when Emma doesn't ask for you to snuggle with her while she falls asleep. Soon you will all have our own rooms and as nice as it is to have some privacy these moments you will forever miss. They may happen here and there but it won't be the same. You won't be able to hear them sleeping just a little ways away while the rain plays its masterpiece on the roof above you.

2. Family moments

It sounds crazy to live with 5 other adults plus your 3 kids, but you already have had some unforgetable memories from this adventure. There is something about living with people that helps you just grow closer to them naturally.

3. Apperication for the down time
    If this adventure has taught you anything, it's to appricate the moments of peace. To do things for yourself in addition to all the things you do for others. You may not miss the times that are super hectic, but this time in your life has taught you that morning coffees, devotionalas, morning/evening prayer, a good book, your favorite show, and peace in the bathroom are not to be taken for granted. Not only for yourself but for others as well.

4. Love languages
Gosh! How can you not learn more about your husband and kids when living the way you are. You will miss the times you really connected but no too much because this has made you so more aware of each individual's love language.

5. Family dinners
 Hahaha! Screaming, laughing, and good food. These family dinners are probably louder than most peel would love, but for some reason you love them. They at fun. And you will miss all the extra bodies around your kitchen table once you move out.

I'm not sure when this house project will be done but I do know this... This time in your life is hectic, stressful, and sometimes completely unnerving, but don't let this things overshadow the wonderful moments of laughter, love, silliness, and good food. When it all comes to an end, it's those things you want to hold onto forever.

March 24, 2016

It's spring

March is almost over. Spring is here and soon it will be a new month. I lay in bed, listening to the rain fall on the roof like tiny little beads falling from the sky. I hear my husband sleeping next to me and I can feel the closeness of 3 little ones sound asleep. I can't believe things can feel so good when just a few months ago I thought there was never going to be an end to it all. The car, the house, the sickness, the baby. It was almost all to much. Tears in silence while I drove the car, when I took a shower, when I prayed. Oh how I prayed. And in the darkness there was light. When I felt they things couldn't get much worse, there was light. Sent in one form or another. In a hello. In a hug. In a text. In a meal. In moments of peace. There was light. He sent the light many types of forms to let me know, I am always with you!

Be strong and Courageous.

But I didn't feel strong. I didn't feel courageous. I felt weak. I was afraid. But I knew He had plans. That even it my moments of weekends He would send some one. Some one to lift me up and help me stand on my two feet. I knew that even though I was on my knees praying, he was listening, planning good things for us.

Tears still flow. Hurt is still there. Overwhelming feelings of love still overflow from my heart and out from my eyes. I'm not sure when this chapter will end, but so far, things are turning  around.

May 15, 2015

Another baby growing up too fast

Parker and I have loved our times together while he nurses. Parts of me are ready for this phase to be over. Mostly just the 2-3 times a night that we get up, he eats, and then goes back to sleep. However as our time starts to come to a close I am a little sad. Parker is almost 13 months and I can tell my milk is not producing the quanity that it has in the past. This is the longest I have ever nursed one of my babes. The girls both stopped at 11 months. However, he is getting frustrated with the lack of milk and often, even after nursing, I have had to give him milk or water to satisfy his thirst/fill him. Tonight when I was putting him to bed he was talking to me in such a silly voice. I swear he was telling me, "uh, there's nothing in there mama!" After about 10 min of frustration and switching back and forth from side to side I gave him some milk in a cup and laid him in his crib. He softly held my hand as he went to sleep...
He would have had more breastmilk had he not insisted on nursing 30 min before bed when we were finishing up some family time. He always finds a way to get to me though, even if it's not ideal for either of us.
 I do enjoy ever min of our time together. We have struggled with a few feeding issues and nursing hasn't been easy. Much harder than with the girls. Maybe that's why I appreciate it more this time around. I am thankful that I have been able to provide for him in this way for as long as I have been able to. But as he grows and learns to eat more satisfying foods, this season starts to pass by quickly and a new season will arise. I will enjoy the next season as much as this one, but I know in my heart I will miss this time as well. The moments after he has a full belly and he falls asleep in my arms. We spend some time together without any interruptions and  it's calming. I feel our hearts and souls reconnecting after a busy day in the Johnson House. 

May 10, 2015

On this Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day and although I feel so blessed to have a mother who would do pretty much anything for family and for those she cares about I was also reminded about how amazingly beautiful being a mom can be. This past year was different from the rest. Maybe it because my children are getting older? Maybe it's because the last year has been such a struggle for me to go from 2-3 children?  I'm not really sure. Maybe both. For the past year I have struggled with finding the balance between house work and my life as a wife and mother. It all blends together but finding that balance is what helps us moms keep our sanity ;-) At times I really feel like I'm failing. I go to bed wondering if I spent enough time with each child. Did they get enough from me that day.? I go to bed usually with dishes still piled high and mounds of laundry to be put away. It drives me crazy and stresses me out a little. But then, in the middle of the night when Parker wakes up crying and cries out, "mama!" when I walk into his room all the mess seems to vanish. This year Emma and Gracd made me card after card.  "Happy Mother's Day Mama! I love you so much! You look so beautiful, Mama.  Mama, I love how smart you are, you read the best stories!" What amazing things to hear from their sweet little voices. It was by far the most amazing thing to hear, just when I thought I needed to be doing more, needed to have a cleaner house and play more with the kids. When I thought the only way I could do it was to sleep about 3 hours a night, (hahaha, and that wasnt going to happen) these little fingers reached up for my hand and told me just what I needed to hear. All the hugs, all the kisses, all the cuddles, and all the sweet words my children told me today, where the best Mother's day gift they could have given me! So happy Mother's Day to all those mamas, out there. You are loved, You are beautiful, You are smart, and You read the best stories. Maybe you have lots of dishes piled in your sink and lots of laundry on you couch, but your children don't care! They care about all the times you played games and colored and sang songs with them. They care about the events you went to and camping trips you went on. They care about the times you let them crawl into your bed in the early hours morning, just to snuggle for an hour or so. They care about all the small things that you do for them and all the love that you give them. Let's try to remember that this year and every year after!

April 22, 2015

If only time stood still

I'm sitting in my son's room, rocking hm ever so gently on the eve of his first birthday. He lays in my arms like a newborn would and I can't help but think how has it already been a year? Weren't we just in the hospital? Just him and I enjoying the silence and looking into each other's eyes. It breaks my heart that this year is not the same. This year he is trying to fight off a fever, an ear infection, and most likely nausea. I know he will get better, but he's so cranky and miserable. I wish there was more I could do for him. 
Happy birthday to my keeper of the forest; keeper of the park; keeper of the land. I hope this is the only birthday you are sick on! And I hope every year we can sit with each other and enjoy the silence together.  

January 22, 2015

A note to my son

You lay rubbing your eyes and we rock while you fill you lungs and give your vocal cords a good stretch! It's midnight and you woke up @10:45 thinking it was time to play, only crash hard and VERY load! I'm not sure I will be able to hear out of my right ear come tomorrow. I could get frustrated at this point in time. Get loud and tell you, "that's enough already!" But at almost 9 months old, you won't understand. It will just make you more mad. Instead I take a deep breath and wisper in you ear that it will be ok! The screaming continues until I try to breastfeed you... again. Your one comfort seeing as a bottle, sippy, or Binkie are out of the question. It's soothing to you, but you are still so mad; you continue to grunt and squirm all the while. It's moments like these when it's so easy to get frustrated! To let the sleep exhaustion get to you! But I'm relieved to have taken a nap today while you and your sisters slept. It wasn't much, but it's sure helping me get through this moment. 

So why am I telling you all if this? Because in years to come, you wil find a different comfort whether it be a stuffed animal, a Dino or a Nija, a blanket or a action figure. The point is, one day we won't be nursing anymore, I won't be your only comfort and some how, some way...I will miss this moment! I will miss the feel of your 20 pound body laying on top on mine. I will miss the feel of you chest against mine as our hearts beat as one. It won't be that long, 2 maybe 3 years. You will still love me, but you will be able to love other things that will make you as happy as I do in this very moment. And then again, some how, some way... We will grow together and I will be happy in the moments we share then. Knowing that those too will pass and I will want to remember all of the details. So cry, love, eat, sleep, giggle, and's all of these moments that make up one amazing little life! I love you so much and I wouldn't trade these late nights for anything in the world! 

January 15, 2015

Late night rain

The rain is falling hard on the sky light and the music in the other room plays soffy. I think of today and I can't help but regret how I let the stress get to me today. It's time to take a second or two and reflect. I've chosen to pick 5 good things that happened today! 

1. I got to listen to the kids play together as the sun broke through the windows. It's one of my top 5 favorite sounds! 

2. A shower. If you have any kind of stress in your life, need I say more? Especially moms! I loved showers before I had kids, but I think I love them 100 times more now as a mom! 

3. We are on the road to healthier living. After 2 weeks of the crud following my family around it's on it's way out the door

4. Snuggles and giggles. Should almost be counted as indiviudual items but hearing them and feeling them are the best. We need to relish in them more often 

5. A movie night with my husband. My best friend. My love. 

With the stress of sick kids and sick adults we loose our tempers. We do and say things we aren't happy about. Things get muddy. Much like what it would be if I stepped outside right now. I would feel the fat heavy rain on my body slowly weighing me down. But in the same few moments it would be soothing...cleansing...and I would know, that in the end I will dry off and soon,  tomorrow or even in a few hours, everything will be ok! There may be mud in your life, but after a heavy rain there is always fresh clean air to breathe into your lungs and renew your spirit! Maybe that's what I love most!